Reflections

(this was written a couple of months ago)

The trip to Mulu few has been an eye opener and a unique experience. It had me thinking and reflecting on my life - past, present and future. Climbing Gunung Api to witness the pinnacles had been one of the toughest physical challenge for me. I had underestimated the difficulty. But that was not what bothered me most.
When we were descending, I was not strong mentally. I kept thinking that I am too tired and my legs are hurting like mad and I cannot go on anymore. I really felt like giving up. And this frigthened me a lot.
Maybe to many, I live a life without much hardship. But to me, that is not the reality. My parents are not rich, not even well to do but we always managed to get by with a decent living. My dad is very money-wise and when I was young, I was taught to save, save, save and save. I never really had the luxury to own things I like and I never demanded much. Going to college at that time was a big step but luckily I got a scholarship which definitely lessen the financial burden.
I always thought that I am an independent girl. When I was 5, my parents wanted to send me to kindergarden. I was reluctant to go. I told them I will go when I am 6 yrs old. And I did. The first day, I still remember, I asked my dad to go home after sending me to the kindy's doorstep. I never cried nor asked my dad to accompany me. It was the same when I first stepped into Standard 1. Even during college registration, I handled it myself as I do no want to trouble my parents.
That's me. Or that's how independent I thought I was.
However, when I think back of certain incidents in the past, it scares me. Some of them, I never ever thought I will do in my life. Impulsive behaviour and did things I consider very stupid and very despicable once. Yet I made a mistake by doing them and hurting people who loves me.
And how this all link to the Mulu trip? I never thought that I am someone who gives up easily but I had that very feeling in Mulu. Many things were going through my mind at that time. I realise how fragile and weak I am.
Maybe it's time to do some soul searching. Have some quiet time to think of the past events, the things I have learnt and to plan for the future. I have always yearned to be someone care free. To be independent emotionally. And that is something I failed to do in the past.
All my life, I have met many people. Fallen in love and never regretted the relationships I've had. Every incident is a learning point and I am really glad to say that my opinion and view has matured through these points of life. I made a vow starting this moment, I want to be who I wanted to be and not what everyone expected me to be.